Diary of an Abberation [entries|friends|calendar] Nameless, Numb, Numbered and Dumb [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[04 Aug 2009|06:04pm] As time pours over us in waves larger and larger, there is humor to be found as the institutions that were once so impenetrable are slowly eroded away. Growth feels good. Pull the trigger.

[11 Jul 2009|05:41pm] After all the false-starts and dramatic brovado mistaken for real progress, it seems my life is finally starting to resemble what I would like it to. My reltionship is still solid. I took the time to find a job I actually like. I got a second job. I kicked Paul out. I'm going to start working on the house a little bit. California is on the horizon. My creativity is throbbing unchecked. I am happy. Pull the trigger.

[27 Jun 2009|10:45am] foolish to be so apologetic as we crawl along the end of days it wont come as a bang it's come as a whisper the sound of candles blowing out deformed and desperate we'll hold hands, take pills, spend our money and go to sleep chewing up and down with plastic mouths nothing to say and it's all stretching out when they shit we eat warring in circles we lead with our dicks the sheep and the shepard find purpose when we're sick and I'm sick we're sick of it The world is sick and fat and starving for air hope you breath smoke with your last sucking breaths Because I don't care Because I don't care all dense and redundant fucked red, raw and bare happy in line sell you your death but I don't care but I don't care but I don't care Pull the trigger.

[16 Jun 2009|03:24pm] it's terminal our numb tongues our xerox hearts can't seem to lift your fingers high enough to tear it apart all these pretty little dreams we live our lives on TV cut to commercial dose yourself and go back to sleep drop out it's not much it's what I got and you can rot way down at the bottom with me Pull the trigger.

[14 Jun 2009|10:04pm] I'm over it. All of it. Pull the trigger.

[02 Jun 2009|07:44pm] I can't believe I'm 25. 5 Pistol-mouths | Pull the trigger.

[23 May 2009|06:46pm] I don't want to be "the next" anything If I could you know I'd strangle everything mindless hit songs zombies singing along I'd like to burn all your photos dug ourselves so low blind and ugly if the light ever comes Pull the trigger.

[19 May 2009|07:17pm] the only thing this dead decade gave us was a high-tech model for apathy Pull the trigger.

[13 May 2009|05:59pm] My mood has lifted a bit in recent days. Lisa had a party. Always really enjoy those. Hollyquinn and I went and got some holes poked in us by Matt at Skin Images (look them up, they're great!) I was really starting to get bored with my appearance and maybe feeling just a bit old. I've had my labret pierced for almost ten(!) years now. I got two fourteen gage rings on the right side of my lip. I'm not sure if I'm going to keep the labret or not. Opinions have been mixed. Today I got a call from a job I'm REALLY trying to hire on with. Interview tomorrow. (I hope the aforementioned rings do not affect this) Jeremy gave me a reason drum add-on. Chris bought a new bass nd contacted me after a period of some silence. Mike has been giving me some bass lessons to polish up. Learning diminish scales was very helpful. Read Chuck Palahniuk's new novel "Pygmy" and enjoyed it much more than his previous. Quite a funny (and relevant) meditation on the american psyche through the eyes of a foreigner. I highly recommend it. That's it I guess. Pull the trigger.

[11 May 2009|05:19pm] ((verse)) Dont you dare damn the abuse a man's only dangerous when he's nothing to lose ((verse)) pull this poison up your twisted roots this filthy city naked, screaming for proof ((chorus)) ((verse) they say only cynics are sharp you get me all hard every single time you kick-in my heart ((verse)) skin getting thicker cracks so few and so thin just a few more scabs now and nothing can get in ((chorus)) beat me 'til I'm numb comfort's just a sin bruise me 'til I'm numb let me shed another skin ((verse)) Dont you dare damn this abuse your bite's only venomous when you've nothing to lose ((verse)) dripping poison down a rabid tooth this dirty bastard hungry, screaming for truth ((chorus)) beat me 'til I'm numb comfort's just another sin bruise me 'til I'm numb let me shed another skin ((verse)) brown-pink clusters of stars you count all my scars until you fall asleep to tick of a clockwork heart ((verse)) blood getting thicker patience getting so thin just a few more cuts now and nothing will get in ((chorus)) beat me 'til I'm numb comfort the deadliest sin break me 'til I'm numb let me shed another skin ((chorus)) beat me 'til I'm numb comfort's just a sin bruise me 'til I'm numb let me shed my dying skin Pull the trigger.

[09 May 2009|02:56pm] eat the ashes of my heroes staked here burning away mouthfuls of black honey kids say that there's nothing to say all the best lovesongs are written when they take it away all the best lovesongs are written beside an open grave like punkrock shoved up your ass well they sold it for cash youve got to stop sucking off your idea of the past well nothing can last you've got to let another riot roll in reminds me sex is violence and violent sex just the best by-product of ideas that snap necks this riot of skin I'll let you in I saw the answers staring at the sun and you concerned you'll come undone I'm only concerned that you'll come and wipe that stupid fucking look off your stupid face find your apathy replaced with terror, anger and blood there is no movement without murder I'm playing the flute slack-jaw searching for truth motherfuckers get in single-file line we don't need proof edited or aloof taste it in the sweat from our shuddering spines let the hammer fall hear the ugly call "What's mine is mine" let the hammer fall hear the ugly call "What's mine is mine" Pull the trigger.

[09 May 2009|01:54pm] I've been in one of my pissy moods for a spell. Too much time on my hands I suppose. Sometimes I catch myself being confrontational with Hollyquinn for no reason. This has been a pattern with me for many years. I get so fed up with all the cracks in everyone's armor that I initiate this impromptu attack session in the strange hope that if we draw enough blood, pick enough scabs and scar each other enough, we will both have improved afterward. I throw a lot of knives at people's feet and dare them to cut me. It's not healthy. It doesn't work. It's an ineffective way to communicate to them and a terribly lazy way to initiate evolution within myself. I'm getting better at catching it. Acknowledging it. Owning it. Holly is the first girl who has ever gotten that the easiest thing to do is DROP your guard and walk away. I can only throw punches at someone when they're hitting back. I'm a prick not a bully. She refuses to engage, walks away and in about ten minuts my towering spiral of venom has cooled off and I can get to the root of what I am actually trying to say. It is in these moments that I love her most. Moments like these show what a partner really should be. That whole help me help myself jazz your parents spout off. Other than my now spanning stretch of unemployement, I'm actually fairly proud o myself lately. It's as if I've been in training for sme unnamed event. I have been trying to cram myhead with knowledge, eat better, play bass longer, be thinner, talk sharper. I feel motivated to be the best person I can be. Even my depression has come under control in recent months. Rightnow I am having a small bout, but I've developed the tools to deal with and, again, own it. Jeremy always being the benchmark by which I judge myself after long periods of inactivity within the public stage; I was plased to hear him say "I like the new Rick far more than the old Rick and old Rick was pretty cool." 2009 has been about owning up to who I am and controlling the direction I take. I refuse to slow down and refuse to let this funk make me backslide. When one thing subsides, another bares it's throat. If thing's cool off too much with making with Chris, if I fail, I'll get up and keep failing again and again until I don't fail. If I hav a sculpture shatter into a million pieces (I did) I'll fucking do it again. I'm not afraid to be myself. i'm not afraid to say I was wrong. I'm not afraid to say I was right. I'm not afraid to repeat myself and I'm not afraid to let go of the past. Just keep it up Rick. Eat your own shit until your stomach is full enough to stand up and keep going. Keep giving yourself these gay little pep-talks. 1 Pistol-mouth | Pull the trigger.

[08 May 2009|01:38pm] Having the wonderful wife I do is certainly an asset I am thankful for. Thanks to her I DIDNT miss chuck Palahniuk's reading in Baltimore last night (which I was completely unawar of.) Truly, it was inspiring to say the least. Pull the trigger.

[02 May 2009|09:35am] Hold your breath but don't be suprised when you're turning blue and I don't want to listen to the future pumping out of my computer If I wanted high-speed I'd take amphetamines and I just think it's overrated tongue's swollen, black and amputated drowning in the pool from your slack-jawed mouth hipster nostalgia yeah "well that's profound, yeah" T-shirt slogans are getting me down down down well you can catch a beat and you don't eat meat parents paid for school but you dropped out (you rebel) just tell me something just tell me anything baby, just tell me you haven't sold out all the way out (at least not cheap) Pull the trigger.

[27 Apr 2009|10:05pm] no statements left to make no hearts are left to break self-inflicted sedation addicted getting fucked getting fed just follow the rules until your dead Pull the trigger.

[27 Apr 2009|05:29pm] lay the eggs in the belly of a superhero corpse watching innocence die as the poison runs it's course emerging wet, dead and hungry to crawl on all fours not a very nice person well I'm not a dream this comforting smile sociopath's scream I point the finger at me Pull the trigger.

[24 Apr 2009|10:02pm] my insecurities still haunt me sometimes. lead me to say and do the strangest things. haven't been feeling so proud of myself. Pull the trigger.

[19 Apr 2009|04:21pm] Fill our mouths fill our mouths before they completely dry out 'cause it's slow-motion static spine removed for the kids and we're dumbing it down skeletons in the sun bleach and crumble come tumbling down you can see the high water-mark on the low end of the chain our shiny lacquered caskets slip back into the ground find yourself riding any pale horse just to keep from sinking in this muddy brown go to find a way back to the bottom of the valley of the temple of the dogs so gather up gather round let us remember color as it's staining the ground gather up gather round send another non-believer tumbling down This is what we deserve you can believe it stupid social scenes deleted get what we deserve you can believe it you know they said it on TV last night Pull the trigger.

[18 Apr 2009|02:18pm] old Edgar Firth was a son of a bitch greasy yellow shadow a man who scratch where he itch popping pills pop a stitch "Edgar Firth: son of some bitch" talk about love he said he'd tell you what you needed until your guard had receded and slide his knife like a finger straight up your ignorant ass "you see rabbits like you are gutted, put in stew and I'm the one selling the pots crawl around forgiving and giving your prey-minded living you cry about all that you're not not not" "To live like an animal" he told me Edgar Firth: always first and we're all just standing in line Pull the trigger.

[10 Apr 2009|10:00pm] my tongue must been in your stomach 'cause it's not in my mouth take the big words I'd say and swallow them down my eyes are fixed my jaw is wired not sure if it's the anesthesia, pheromones or dumbfuck desire I could drown in your spit put you under my skin my dick in the void let it swallow me in you erase me porcelain doll 1 Pistol-mouth | Pull the trigger.

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